mikestopfive.com

There are two seminars on spotting counterfeit money in the city today. Mike's top five other ways to spot phony money.
#5. An unusual amount of chaffing around your dance thong.
#4. When you hold it up to the light, it bursts into flames.
#3. After the guy gives it to you he gets all frigidity and then runs outside screaming 'you won't take me alive coppers'!
#2. The word ten is spelled incorrectly more then once (just once could be forgiven, but twice?).
#1. The picture of the queen looks a little too much like Lady Gaga.

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I'm starting to pick up on some subtle marketing persuasion on some radio commercials that have been running this week (and I could be wrong, but). I'm starting to lean towards to notion that buying a crappy thoughtless gift for your sweetheart on Valentines day might turn out to be a bad idea. To help you identify one of those bad gifts, Mike's top five crappy gifts for your Valentine.
#5. A pen.
#4. Anything that “looked really hot on the clerk at the store”.
#3. A good sturdy shovel.
#2. For an extra $20, you get the not only the flowers, but the Flower Clown agrees to come over to join you for a romantic dinner.
#1. Valentine's day?! Oops, I thought it was pantomime's day. Here I am got you some tights and a big hat!

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Groundhog day is Tuesday. Mike's top five ways to have fun on Groundhog Day.
#5. Shovel away the 4 inches of snow from around the hole entrance. If you live in the Hart, shovel away the 14 feet of snow from around the hole.
#4. Go around the office all day making crude jokes about seeing 'Willy's shadow.'
#3. Go around telling everyone that Whiarton Willy did not see his shadow again last year - because he's been dead for 11 years.
#2. Get up on the morning, put on your Wookie costume, run around the backyard screaming “me shadow, me shadow, I can'ts finds me shadow”.
#1. A pile of fake fur on the kitchen floor, a large box of Groundhog Helper on the counter and let the kids figure it out for themselves.

With the Olympics starting in two weeks, security costs for these winter games are expected to be huge. Mike's top five tips for reducing the cost of security at the 2010 Olympic games.
#5. Have everyone walk past a group of British nannies, so they can spot which ones are “dodgy”.
#4. Instead of bomb sniffing dogs, find some chihuahuas to walk around nipping at people's ankles.
#3. Don't underestimate the deterrent factor of having mimes at all the main gates.
#2. Big signs everywhere saying 'No lurking about'.
#1. Three words: Conan The Constable.

Original post

Yesterday Dan and I were discussing LAN connectivity with Linux and Windows boxes and someone called ME a Geek. I said “no way”, they said “you are so geek, you've got geek written all over you”. Mike's top five signs you've got Geek written all over you.
#5. Your roommates are named Leonard, Sheldon and Howard and a girl named Penny lives next door.
#4. Someone has actually written “Geek” all over you.
#3. You casually recalculate the current temperature in degrees Kelvin ([K] = [°C] + 273.15).
#2. An argument that is about to turn into a fist fight can usually be averted with a calculator and a Vulcan salute.
#1. You see nothing funny or odd about calling your latest techno acquisition an iPAD. More on the name here.
#1a. You're seriously considering that this list could be the source for the boundary value problem.

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Lisa starts Monday. Top five things I'll have to remember with a new co-host here.
#5. Don't refer to her as Melissa, Jody, Amy, Jessica or Lindsay or Shawna or Ken.
#4. Don't talk too much about space travel, conspiracy theories and war movies for the first few weeks.
#3. Never ention-may the ood-fay ash-stay in the upboard-kay.
#2. Seal up that clause in the contract about 'you may leave after the completion of one year of your sentence – err job”.
#1. Don't refer to her as Number Six.

This morning, the River announced that Lisa Daigneault (Dan-yo) has been selected to fill the north chair position on Prince George most listened to morning show starting Monday February 1st. Lisa has been hosting the morning show at The Mix in Prince Rupert for the last year. So she'll be new to PG. Mike's top five fun things about having a new co-host from out of town.
#5. Explaining how to pronounce Ques-nelle.
#4. They usually think I'm the boss, at least for the first little while.
#3. A chance to re-use all those “Top 5 signs you're not from here” Top 5 Lists.
#2. Nice to have someone gullible enough and new enough to PG that you can tell them the Cougars are re-building this year.
#1. Nice to have someone around who hasn't heard all 4 of my jokes already!

We're all being schooled on the appropriate use of the word Olympic. With the games just around the corner the IOC and VancOC are becoming very watchful of who and how the word is being used in the media. We can't even say things like, Olympic sized pool or refer to a politician as an Olympic sized butt. In some cases we can't even use the word Olympic, while talking about the Olympics, if we use it combination with an unqualified sponsor. If we are doing reports on the Olympics we can only use 'that word' if the report is sponsored by an approved corporate sponsor. Top five other ways to refer to the Olympics without using the word Olympic.
#5. The Winter Sports Celebration.
#4. Not the Women's Ski Jump Competition.
#3. The Vancouver / Whistler costly social stain.
#2. The billion dollar tax-funded real-estate gamble.
#1. The Megan Tandy kick butt and take names extravaganza!!

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With Breakfast Idol on this week, I'm noticing a lot of “civilians” in the radio station lately, but they're not all prepared. Mike's top five ways to prepare for a trip to the radio station.
#5. Please don't refer to the Djs by their butt size.
#4. Always refer to the security guard as “The Gate Keeper”.
#3. Sometimes the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top; if you know what I mean.
#2. If you feel as though you've just entered a busy, energetic, productive office environment – go back outside and check the address.
#1. Check you hands. If they're empty, go back to Tim Horton's and start again.