Top 5 things to never say to a woman

I was stuck on 4 until my buddy Chris was over and he immediately was like dude, don’t ever talk about a girl working out.  Winner, winner, chicken dinner.  I’ve been either the perpetrator or felt the repercussions on all of the below, and the net of these has resulted in sleeping on the couch, running out to get a big fat chocolate apology cake, or having an unworn article of clothing lying in the donation pile for the Salvation Army.  Friends, tread lightly when it comes to asking anything controversial to a female.  You’ve been warned, stay as far away from these topics as possible.

#1) Are you pregnant?

Just don’t.  Unless she’s going into labor, specifically starts talking about the impending baby, or you’ve been at the baby shower or gender cake cutting party, this is the ultimate faux pas.  To date, I haven’t ever actually asked it of someone but instead have gone with a more circuitous approach when I just needed to know.  Examples include asking whether she wants a beer while you’re up (and even this isn’t foolproof), ask if she has any big plans coming up over the next few months, or whether she’s been training for any marathons.  But, I have been privy to the aftermath of what happens when the question is posed.  My wife’s friend, a woman (and mind you one who has had kids before), decided that it would be a confidence booster to ask whether my wife was pregnant because she looked like she was “glowing”.  Well, she wasn’t, and this just cycled into phases of rage (directed at me), a new dartboard being put up with said friend’s picture on it (kidding!), and ultimately, pregnancy #3 because might as well have the real glow.

#2) You’re (acting) crazy:

I mean seriously, who hasn’t said this to their wife or girlfriend or sister or friend.  What’s fucked up though about this is that even if you’re right, and all rational thought has left a woman, uttering what you both are thinking is grounds for a serious verbal accosting.  Now, instead of trying to reason with her, instead I either text/show/sing the following to her:

 

#3) You need to calm down:

Combine this one and make you’re crazy and need to calm down and pretty much this sums it up:

 

#4) You should work out today

What you could mean What she hears
You never take time for yourself You think I’m fat
Why not go a little longer since you always say you don’t have enough time to work out You think I’m fat and that my workouts suck
It makes you feel better about yourself so that you’re less apt to act crazy or need to calm down. Great, now I should feel bad about myself too for not working out today.
Are you going to Pure Barre tonight? You don’t think Pure Barre is really a workout (which I do, but my wife likes to show me videos of it and then say, ugh, this doesn’t do it justice at all).

 

#5) That’s a good outfit to take a walk in:

This pretty much captures the essence of why you should just never give an opinion when asked how something looks.  Do you like this shirt?  Absolutely, is the right answer.  Which shoes do you like?  The ones that you were planning to wear is the only appropriate response.  Earrings.  Yes or no.  Depends.  Usually, I just stare blankly until she either guides me to the one she wanted me to pick or she answers the question herself (which, let’s face it, she already has her mind made up and if you fuck up the answer, she has to start the process all over).  I learned this lesson the hard way when my wife went back to work after baby #2 and she ordered something from Title IX.  She asked me how it looked and believe me, she looked smoking in it, but apparently, I failed to stay up on ladies fashion and didn’t realize that leggings + dress should immediately yield a response of, wow, that would be perfect for work.  My answer, admittedly was dumb, and that dress has never made its way into the work rotation . . .  but it still is a killer outfit to take Maizy on a walk!

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