Mike's top five

This is one of my favourite top five lists for two reasons; 1, posting it usually means I'm on vacation and 2, posting usually means I'm on vacation! Mike's top five signs that Mike is on vacation (circa 2008)!
#5. I am drinking coffee after 3pm!
#4. I'm not getting paid, but it's only slightly less than I usually get paid.
#3. I have no reason to ever leave Tim Hortons!
#2. I walk around saying things like “Looks like a high of 22 today. Keep listening for your chance to call..” to total strangers.
#1. I'm getting up at 7am and I'm sleeping in three hours!!

Dear Mike and Lisa, A few days ago Mike did a top five list of ways to tell your cat is no super star (remember the one about Morris the Cat?). Well here are the top five ways to tell YOUR DOG is no super star. Sylvia.
#5. Always misses the fire hydrant.
#4. Has no idea what w-a-l-k spells.
#3. Goes outside to do his business and gets all distracted by the shiny blades of grass.
#2. Every time he finally catches and bites his tale he gets distracted by a shooting pain coming from the rear.
#1. You throw a stick – he comes back 35 minutes later, in a cab!

It sure was hot yesterday and it's going to be even hotter today with the temperature getting up to +32! Aside from walking around saying “Boy this is hot!”, here are Mike's top five other ways of expressing your hotness.
#5. “I'm sweating like Spencer Pratt at a spelling bee.”
#4. “This is hotter than Surrey hub cap sale.”
#3. “Pass me the spatula! I need to get out of my car seat.”
#2. “I'm sweating so much, I've shorted-out three ankle bracelet alcohol monitors!
#1. “My espresso gave me a brain freeze this morning.”

#1a. “I'm so hot, I'd test positive for Snapple right now!”
#1a. “Even Charlie Sheen was all droopy and bent over.”
#1a. “My cows are giving evaporated milk.”
#1a. “Hey, the melting asphalt looks just like a giant BP oil spill.”

BMO Kids Art Days are coming up Friday and Saturday at the Two Rivers Gallery. Most parents think their kids are pretty gifted artists, however not all kids are artistic. Mike's top five signs maybe your child is not the artistic type.
#6. They are currently co-hosting this morning show.
#5. During the last school year, you got three cease and desist letters from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Stick People.
#4. The mobile they made in grade two involved the cat and several pieces of your underwear.
#3. They're pretty sure Picasso and Rembrandt are turtles. Or, at least one of them is a turtle.
#2. Their giant construction paper shamrock for St Patrick's day looks exactly like the giant construction paper heart for Valentines day and their giant construction paper Easter bunny too.
#1. They're easily frustrated by not being able to change the channel on the Etch-o-sketch.

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Mike's top five signs that high gas prices are starting to affect the way I do things.
#5. I've started keeping a brick in the gas tank.
#4. I now only drive on odd numbered days. I'll be calling in sick on even numbered days.
#3. I now find myself not being as generous as usual when it comes to tipping the gas station attendant.
#2. This summer's family vacation?! Walking distance day trips to Fat Burger and Home Depot (I guess no different han last summer..).
#1. Going to be changing the name of the radio station from 101.3 The River to 108.9 The River.

From the archive

It's Canada's birthday tomorrow (143 yrs).  Wow, that's pretty old! Mike's top five signs your country is getting old.
#5. Used to invited everyone and throw cool parties. Now they just have the kids over and everyone is leaving by seven.
#4. Meaningful gift to mark the celebration, replaced by the same puzzle you gave them last year.
#3. Party goers used to park all over your lawn and in your driveway. Now party goers park all over your lawn and your driveway, but for different reasons.
#2. Yelling and carousing that used to keep you up all night, is now replaced by a TV that's so loud they can't hear the doorbell.
#1. Loud party music and fireworks have been replaced by large hats and looks of annoyance and concern.